Why I stopped Blogging.

I know  haven't blogged in about a year.  To be honest I just haven't felt like it. After the death of Kevin things in my life just kept getting more depressing. My job was giving me less hours and I couldn't meet my bills. Thank God for tax returns. And the universe came through for me once again by giving me enough to get caught up for a while. It's not like I have all these out standing bills.  I haven't had a credit card in years! My motto is, "if I can't buy it with cash than I don't get it".  That's a motto more people should use. I seem to get in trouble with the ATM debit card.  It makes it to easy for you to spend your money on things not in your budget.  For me its eating out! Every day I was waking up worrying about my bills. It was the first thing on my mind when I open my eyes. Trying to find a job is another frustrating area that has made me feel useless. I use to be a loan processor and I can't even get a teller job.  I don't seem to be quailfied for anything and I have lost most of my self esteem due to the countless times I never even was called in for a interview.
Now to top it off I had another person I cared for pass away in this year. Her name was Nancy. She was the wife of Michael who I grew up with. I've known her forever it seems but about two years ago we got together to have a girls day out in Philadelphia and we had the best time. We kept promising each other that we had to do it again and we never got that chance. There's another good lesson never let the world get in the way of spending time with friends and loved ones because you may not have the chance tomorrow. She is so missed. Oddly enough the last time we saw each other we both were in tears over our close friend Kevin.
Than to top off this year my beloved dog Angel  passed away too.  Since I didn't have the money to take him the the vet, I watched him suffer. He was about 15 years old and had a good life, but I miss all his little goofy things he use to do and wish I could have made it more comfortable for his last hours.
Well, enough of me whinning about my problems. I just wanted to give everyone an idea of why I haven't been blogging. I just had nothing great going on in my life and thought I don't want to make anyone feel bad for me.  Now it's a new year and like the saying goes it's never to late to start the day over. So here we go I'm starting the day over or this year I'm starting over with a new attitude that everything is a test of my attitude toward situations. My motto this year is going to be, "I can do this!" Also I am going to be grateful for all that I do have and for all the joy that the little things in life bring to me!

I Lost a Tiny Piece of My Heart.

This post is mainly a plee to be there for a mother who lost her son this week.  I received a text on January 6th at 7:45 am from my first love. It read, "Kevin died in a car accident last nite, please pray for mom". I have known this family since I was 12 years old. I won't really get into the first love part of the story except that we are friends but he lives out of state with his wife and son. Now Kevin is his 33 year old brother who I was there the day he came home from the hospital. I am extremely close to his mother Carolyn and she has been there for me with wine hugs and pep talks that have gotten me through alot. This woman is amazing at  64 years old she is gorgeous. I have alway said I only wish I could be so beautiful. Kevin is her youngest son who had 2 beautiful daughters that worshiped their dad. Kevin always lived life to the fullest and I use to think the kid had nine lives. At a young age he was hit by a car crossing the street on Halloween. Then he had a heart problem that from what I gathered could have killed him very quickly. Kevin loved motorcylcles and fast cars. Well he got into a friends souped up car that night to go for a drive and now none of us will ever be able to see that beautiful smile again. Tonight was the sevice and I was in amazement of how many people were there. I honestly can say I have never seen so many people at a memorial service in my life. Which only cemented the fact that he has brought happiness to so many and the world has lost a precious soul.
Through all of this I keep thinking of Carolyn. She was very strong at the service and like she said this is what Kevin would have wanted. I guess I am writing this post to ask everyone that reads this to pray for her. I can not image the pain this woman is feeling. All of us as mothers know how deeply our love is for our children and to lose one of our children is a pain that is unbearable. It kills me to think of her hurting in such a way. I thought that maybe if I could get as many people to keep her in their thoughts and prays that maybe she may feel some peace. So when you have a moment to spare say a quick pray for Carolyn.

Thank you,
Carol

What happened to Christmas?

If you have every watched the movie of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, (the one with Jim Carrey) you will know what I'm talking about in this post. This is how I feel every Christmas. Little Cindy Lou Whoo keeps trying to figure out what Christmas is all about. She watches everyone around her running around to buy truckloads of gifts and throw up as many decorations as they can on their homes. Is this what Christmas is about? Especially in these times. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with any of these practices, but on the other hand, our we maybe going alittle overboard? Today I was driving down a street and came across a house with a huge blow up Santa on a Harley. What? Why? Can anyone explain to me when Santa gave up on Rudolf and started hitting the rooftops on his Harley? It just seems to me that we have really forgotten the whole meaning of Christmas. Not only the religous angle but  the childlike belief part of it also. I have been really thinking about this alot in the last few years. It ends up putting me in a very bah hum bug mood and I am already  tired of the music the gift buying and want  December 26th to be here. Kady comes home this week for the holiday and once again mom is being a "Grinch". Kady is so into Christmas.   I think part of my "Scrooge" mentality is due to my financial situation. It could even be caused by the fact that the place I work will be open on Christmas because of it being in a casino. Which it's just another work day for me. It even could be the fact that I have been watching people buy so much stuff for themselves instead of loved ones. That really could be it. Isn't Christmas suppose to be about giving? After seeing Santa with his Harley I decided to do just that. I have been giving change to every little box on every counter I was near. Hopefully the whole idea of monkey see monkey do hit some people who watched me donate money and put their two cents in. If you want to start a little charity work for the season why don't you try this website for http://www.spreadtheglow.org/ I am going to start doing this for the next couple of weeks. This might bring me back to feeling that this is a wonderful holiday. I'll let you know.

Carol Betz

My Dream Home

Everyone has at one time or another talked about what they would do if they won the lottery. Well of course I am no different. I use to always say that if a bag of money fell in front of me I would with in a matter of hours be on the next plane to Santa Barbara, California. As I have gotten older and having a mother who needs me I would stick around NJ until a later time. Well with that in mind and my current financial woes I have found a house that I think about almost every day. It's my dream house. No it's not some huge mansion but yes it is big especially for an empty nester like me. I came upon this house on the Internet while browsing at homes in the area about three years ago. At that time I was about to send my one and only child across the country to college and was absolutely broke. Duh! Doesn't everyone start looking at homes they can't afford when they're pretty much destitute. I guess my reasoning at that time was something wonderful had to happen because things seemed so bleak. You see, I totally believe in "The Secret" and Kabbalah. It has proven true to me time after time.So maybe that is why I was looking at homes. No major miracle ever came, but one thing did happen I had found very cool. When I found this house on the Internet it did not give an address. I had no idea where in our township it was. One day before I moved out of my rented town home, avoiding the whole packing process (which was pack a box and cry) I decided to just go take a ride.  As I was driving around I decided to turn down this street I had never been down. Well as I got toward the end of this of this street, there it was my Internet "dream home"! I sat there for about 5 or 10 minutes just staring in complete amazement. What made me get here I kept thinking. Then I realized the neighbors were peering out their windows and probably wondering why was I sitting there so I slowing drove away.
 I have been thinking about that home now for the last three years.The other day  I decided to take a detour from my errands and see my home which more than likely would have been sold and some family was contently living in by now. Well was I wrong! The home has still not sold. I think the contractor is using it as the model home. The advertising is still on the lawn. Now when I have that bag of money fall in front of me I can go live in my "dream home". It's just sitting waiting for me to come move in. I hear how people want expensive cars and trips around the world and all kinds of things. All I want is to cuddle up on my own couch in my perfect home. I want to have a place so that when Kady comes back for her breaks at college she has a place to call home!

My Bad Habit

I hate to admit this to all of you but I am a smoker. I know it's a disgusting habit! I started smoking at 14 years old and I am going to be 50 on January 29th, so I've been smoking for 36 years. OMG! That does sound horrible! Well the reason I am telling you this because about 3 years ago when I was in San Diego I came across a kiosk that had the electronic cigarettes. I, of course had to try it out. I was in shock of how much it tasted like a real cigarette. I even made Kady try it. Kady, who is not a smoker and hates the smell of cigarettes agreed.  You should have seen her face when I asked her to try it! The look of this is horrible was proof positive that it did taste like a regular cigarette. By the way I knew she had attempted  smoking. (because of course like a lot of teenagers she thought it looked cool) Kady tells me everything, and when she did try smoking she came home that night and asked me if I was nuts because cigarettes tasted terrible. Mom was not the best role model.  I guess watching her mother puff away just added a bit more glamour to it. Well thank God she hates it. So to get on with the story,  I wanted to buy it on the spot but of course like always I really didn't have the money. I was trying to furnish Kady's dorm room and get her all comfortable with her new surroundings. So I promised myself that someday I would get this. Well it took 3 years to finally break down and spend the money. I have been going out to my car and smoking because I won't smoke in my mother's home. The other thing that you need to know about me is I hate cold weather. Not that New Jersey is the coldest place in the world but it might as well be Alaska to me. I finally was sitting in my car the other night and freezing my little tushy off and thought about these electronic smokes. Today as I was cleaning out a drawer I found the card the man had given me at that kiosk 3 years ago. I went on the website and found that they where having a sale. I cost me $60.00 instead of the 190.00 it would have cost me that day in San Diego. See the universe does work in mysterious ways. Maybe someone out there heard my plea or at least the chattering of my teeth.

One of those "Ah Ha" moments

On the 22 of November I had to pick up my daughter at the Philadelphia Airport. Nothing really new, I have been driving to and from the airport alot in the past several years. This time once I had gotten off the expressway and ontoFront Street I stopped at the light and saw this homeless woman on the corner. There have been people with signs there in the past but I really didn't pay much attention to them. Guess my thoughts were I was broke and couldn't really help them. I only had enough money to pay for parking and for the tolls on the way home. This day was different, maybe because it was a woman. Maybe it was because something was telling me to pay more attention. Well on with the story, I drove by her like I did the others but all the rest of the way to the airport I thought about her. It was cold out (well to me at least) and I wondered if she was really homeless. Where did she sleep at night? Did she have kids? Is she out there because she screwed up her life or is it that everything went wrong? (you know, lost her job, her home, etc)Once I got to the airport and reunited with my daughter I had forgotten all about this woman. Kady and I went to a local famous restaraunt for a philly cheese steak and then about 3 hours later proceeded to go back home. As we came to the light again on Front Street she was still out there with her sign. This time as I passed her I took a really good look at her. Her hood was up and her jacket was zippered to the top. As I passed we both looked right at each other. I saw the despair in her eyes! She just look sad and frightened! I thought of her all this past week, especially on Thanksgiving. I could have easily be her. I have more debt than I do money. I live with my mother rent free because I can not afford a place of my own. I drive my mothers car. If I did not have my mother and brother I would be out on the streets.

When I was driving Kady back to the airport on Sunday I saw her again at the light on Front Street with her sign. This time I told Kady to give me some money she was holding for parking. She handed me a dollar and asked me what I was doing. I stopped at the green light on that corner and gave this woman the money. As I handed the money to her I felt how dry and rough her hands were. She looked at me and said God bless you. I said "no, God bless you". God has already blessed me with a roof over my head and a car to drive and even a part time job. So the next time you pass a homeless person, don't judge, just give. In todays world there are too many people like you or I who might be standing on a street corner needing money to buy a warm meal. I feel that this woman was a lesson for me to appreciate all that I do have. I know that my dollar didn't get her much but it helped. I could see that in her eyes.

My Crazy LIfe

 May was the last time I sat down to blog. On May 22nd Kady came home from college with a girlfriend for a week. Everything was great. My baby girl was home, she had her friend here for a week and we got to show her the sites of Atlantic City and she met all Kady's friends. They even got to go up to NYC to for a little overnight trip. Well then everything went downhill from there. A week later I got this call at work from my daughter sobbing hysterically. She was on her way back from dropping her friend off at the airport and was about 10 minutes from home and she was in a car accident. All I remember hearing was she had glass in her head! I don't think I have ever have driven so fast down the White Horse Pike in my life. She was at home because she refused medical treatment at the scene. I got to the house and she just collasped in my arms crying and kept saying it wasn't her fault. It seems that a man was busy looking at his GPS ran a red light and she did not have enough time to stop. The car was totaled! All I cared about was that she was alright. I then had to take her to the emergency ward to have her checked out.  Nothing broken, just bruised up. Glass was in her hair not in her head, thank God! Now the fun part police reports, insurance papers and the very rude insurance adjuster from the man's insurance agency. Then of course getting Kady another car. You don't know how terrible I felt when most of the dealerships told us that I wasn't a strong enough co-signer and she had no one else that would co-sign for her. I am a firm believer in " The Secret" especially after this episode of mishaps. When both of us were at the end of our ropes and did not know how to remedy this I recieved a piece of mail that implied that I was eligable for a car loan at a local dealership. One we had not even gone to. I called to find out more about it and I was told to come in and meet with Tim Flannagan. So off we went to give this one more try. When we walked into Tim's office I knew I knew him from somewhere and the same was going through his mind. It turns out he and his wife use to babysit Kady when she was small. I haven't seen this man in about 15 years. Once we realized how we knew each other he guaranteed that by hell or high water he would figure out a way for us to get a car loan. A few days later Kady was driving off the lot with a 2008 Chevy Colbalt. Granted Kady's dream car is a Ford Mustang but she was just happy we got a car. One problem solved .
Next, this was the year Kady was going to bring her car with her to school out west. Now, my job if that is what you want to call it was only giving me anywhere from 10 to 17 hours a week. At $8.50 an hour that doesn't even pay my bills. So money was so tight.  Kady was working 40 hours a week through the summer to help me pay the bills. She was going to take the money this summer to help her with the cost of the apartment she was moving into. Well the cost of getting the car out there and her flying  was draining the rest of her hard earned money. Then low and behold we got her student loan and we ended up with more than we expected. We ended up driving the car out together and me flying home. Once again the Universe came through for us. We had a wonderful trip that we will remember always. Now the other problem which I don't think that the universe can fix is my mother. The Alzheimers is getting worse. We have to watch her very closely that she does not get in the shower without our help and or do something that she may injure herself. I feel like my brother and I now have a toddler to watch over. She doesn't know how to wash her own hair now or brush her teeth. I now have become a mother to my mother and it's so hard and heartbreaking. Another strokeof universal intervention did come about a few weeks ago. I have been wanting to go back to making jewelry but I have been totally uninspired. Well my friend called me and asked me if I wanted to go back to teaching classes at Michaels. I jumped at the chance because I loved teaching the classes and realized that maybe this is what I needed to do to try to get my creative juices flowing again. The other thing that I really loved doing was blogging and decided that I will start another blog for my students. So there is my story of my crazy life. Now it is time to buckle down and start to take some time for me. Even if it means locking myself in a closet somewhere to try to meditate for 10 minutes. Well enough of me rambling on. Off to get some much need sleep. Sweet dreams

Carol Betz